Geidualism. New teaching on life, spirituality and death.
Somebody said once that necessity is the mother of invention. Many repeated this aphorism later, but the value of its wisdom did not diminish. I wish I could say the same about the value of my IRA. Looking into my bleak financial future I got an urge to come up with a contingency plan. The impetus for change was the death of an old friend. He was the most flamboyant, energetic and upbeat man I met and when I learned that he killed himself I got sad and perplexed. No person with so much energy and thirst for life would do it for any reason other than curiosity. I could understand curiosity. I myself wonder sometimes about the world across the line. I have crossed way too many lines and I always came back, more or less intact. However, the occasional thought of peeking beyond this line in particular consistently gave me doubt that coming back was an option. I also knew that the curiosity of my friend did not extend that far.
After thinking for a while and trying to find an explanation for his action, seemingly inconsistent with his personality, I found it.
Every elementary school student knows the meaning of philosophical dualism. After all, this idea has been around for 2,500 years. Well, they should know, since the idea that two plus two is four has been around for at least that long and most of the elementary school students learned it by the end of the third grade.
Humans evolved as the only known species of organic matter with two simultaneous forms of existence: physical, confined to our bodies and spiritual, hidden from our senses. Physical life can be measured by recording blood pressure, performing rectal examinations, and collecting urine to name the few methods, but spiritual life can’t be measured with known technology. For this reason most of the philosophers believe, that spirit is not material. There is no proof that it is correct and it might be only a matter of time before we have a technology that would allow us to measure human spirit and to read minds.
Spirituality separates humans from plants and animals and makes them different from the rest of living world, manifesting in creativity, abstract thinking, ability to communicate in words, appreciation of arts, ethics, good scotch, religious or other scientifically unproven believes and ability for long lasting emotions, such as love, duty, hate, envy and resentment for their spouses. Short lasting emotions such as rage, lust, fear and desire to get drunk, are probably experienced by some other living creatures and are very likely to be phylogenically older.
Spirituality does not necessarily mean personal betterment.
Spirituality is a form of existence parallel to physical form of existence of a human being. This is what makes humans complete.
Humans are born physically helpless and spiritually empty, having potential to grow physically and spiritually. Normal mature humans are aware of their spiritual existence and tend to look down on less fortunate species, demonstrating their disdain by using many of them as food. Spiritual body grows just like the physical body does. Growth requires energy and matter. It is considered that energy and matter is the same thing, therefore I propose to call it enermatter.
Humans get enermatter for physical growth from the plants and animals they consume, who ultimately get their enermatter from the sun. It is logical to assume that enermatter for spiritual growth also comes from the sun. The problem is that the tool or method for detecting or measuring spiritual enermatter has not been developed.
Once humans reach maturity, they embark on a path of physical and spiritual decline. Spending physical life is obvious: Aging humans acquire degenerative arthritis, develop increased urgency of urination, get bold and depending on the gender, either get erectile dysfunction, or start frequenting cosmetic surgeons.
Spending of spirituality manifests in more bizarre ways. Many develop intolerance of the others or start perpetually misplacing reading glasses. Manifestations of the loss of spirituality also has gender differences. Men become more religious, which usually coincides with development of low testosterone state and erectile dysfunction, or develop new philosophical teachings. The proof is in paintings and statues of renowned philosophers. They all look so very old. Women start attending book clubs, where they drink coffee, pretending that they don’t drink alcohol at all and discuss the low testosterone state and erectile dysfunction of their husbands.
Animals and plants don’t have spiritual lives. As the result, they lack the idea of happiness, operate on the level of satisfaction alone and tend to live forever. In fact, the less spirituality they have, the longer they live physically. Some of their life expectancies come close to eternity. For example: California sequoia tree – 2,000 years, African baobab – 5,000 years, common crow – 300 years, turtle – 400 years.
Expenditure of physical and spiritual lives can take three variations.
1. Ideally humans should pace spending both forms of existence at the same rate. When both are exhausted, we die naturally and leave nothing behind, except some memories. This natural death can occur early or late and we are usually ready for it. I have met a 12 year old who was ready to die.
2. Physical death occurs before spiritual death. I have seen old people not ready to die physically only days before death claimed them. Maybe they spend their spiritual lives sparingly, and ended their physical lives with excess of spiritual lives, or perhaps they caught up with spending spirituality at the last moment.
Some die physically unnaturally ahead of spiritual death, either by accidents or through violence.
Few people spend their physical lives faster than spiritual due to unique ability to keep replenishing their spiritual enermatter at higher rate than their physical enermatter. When they die, like Buddha they become immortalized. Physical suffering can sap spiritual life out of us fast, but conquering physical pain in all forms allows us to extend our spiritual lives and this is what Buddhists monks learn to achieve.
Leftover spiritual energies merge and anyone can tap into that spiritual pool either through prayer, or meditation without permission, essentially stealing it.
3. When spiritual life gets spent at a faster rate than physical life, humans choose to end their physical existence by suicide, also leaving nothing behind, except pain inflicted on the people around us.
Another form of physical, but spiritless existence of human being is called Persistent Vegetative State. This is a form of existence where there is no spirit, which is lost too rapidly for the subject to recognize it, for example in the case of stroke or brain injury, or it evolved in a physically incapable subject who could not react to the loss of spirit. If the opportunity existed, this person would find ways to end physical existence. The proof of unwillingness of having physical life without spiritual life is the proliferation of living wills left by humans facing a possibility of loosing their spirituality. It is presumed that humans in Persistent Vegetative State spend their time in bed, totally senseless, but it is not always true. There is a substantial subcategory of very remarkable human beings who attend schools, get married, have children and still live senseless in Persistent Vegetative State. They are known to general public as government employees.
In this theory violence becomes an essential part of human existence, otherwise there would be no saints, prophets or other “chosen” or “elevated” people who must consume and accumulate someone’s unused, taken without permission, or essentially stolen spirituality.
Creating this theory was tough, but I thought I left no loose ends. I looked at it from different angles and I realized that there was something new in it: those who find themselves grieving over an unexpected death by suicide might find some solace in knowing that these deaths are like any other, just with different order of loosing physical and spiritual lives.
Now I had to figure out ways to extract from this theory some financial benefits in order to improve my prospects of retirement. A million. This is what I wanted to make of it. A million dollars would allow me to buy an oceanfront house in Panama, windsurfer, plant a few lemon trees and cucumbers.
The rest I would spend on a car, gas, tequila and rum. I could stretch my money by driving to Mexico, which seems to be around the corner, to buy tequila for less and use my own lemons. Rum of course is dirt cheap in Panama and I could have it with my lemons, just sprinkled with sugar. I could occasionally splurge on vodka bought from the Russian mafia who deal with goods from containers that often fall off the ships crossing the canal. This is when I would need my cucumbers.
After careful review of my retirement plan, I noticed that the diet I was planning was extremely unbalanced. With very narrow base my nutritional pyramid could tumble. I had to figure out how to improve it. There were two options: I could hop in the same car and drive to Chile, which I understand is around the corner from Mexico to get my wine there, or I may go back to the Russian mafia, who also deals in Californian wine from containers that fall off the ships on the way to Europe. I am sure that the containers with European wine on the ships heading to California have the same propensity for loosing balance and if the price was right, I could easily get a few cases of Chateau de Something.
In this case I would plant more cucumbers.
Having a solid retirement plan on hand, I needed a marketing plan to sell my theory.
I decided that I could sell this excurse into philosophy for $9.99 a copy. $9.99 is not too much for a book on philosophy and self-improvement. Sure, my book is expected to have only 2 pages, but each word on every single line, each letter in any single word had a meaning, unlike some 300 page books on self improvement, which often go for $29.99, with 299 pages containing no meaningful information at all and only page 300 telling the reader what to do: usually seeing psychologist, which can be found in this country around any corner, going to a yoga class and gradually, over a period of a year progressing to a yoga instructor and opening their own yoga class.
With a few more thoughts, as a tribute to global warming, I decided to reduce my book to a pamphlet size and print on both sides.
My first inclination was to sell on eBay, but after being told that eBay is usually the dead end of unsuccessful business ventures, I decided to build my own web site and charge $.99 for downloads. Internet is an easy place to start and being my own agent I could keep all 100% of revenue.
At $.99 apiece I would have to sell just over one million downloaded copies of my new philosophical doctrine to bring one million bucks. With a little luck I could get a nod from Oprah, followed by my appearance on the national TV with subsequent sale of few more downloads. I could use this unexpected financial windfall to broaden base of my nutritional pyramid with the help of Russian mafia or to plant more cucumbers in fertile Panamanian soil.
Knowing that marketing would be a key to successful sales, I wanted to treat the name of my new teaching as a trademark. I begun searching for the options and picked “neo-dualism’ but on the next day I learned that some savvy previous prospectors of retirement took it long time ago. I hope they retired well.
Then I was thinking of “serdualism”, the term based on the first three letters of my name, to emphasize the link between old and new teachings and myself. And then I had a revelation. I thought that the last three letters of my name could work even better. “Geidualism”. In fact a friend of mine pointed out to me that geidualism sounded much more Germanic than serdualism, which sounded more Gallic. There is no contest between Germanic and Gallic. Germanic is solid and lasts forever. Gallic is soft, elusive and unreliable. Just compare Mercedes with Peugeot, or pumpernickel with cruasan. The only exception I could think of was comparison between cognac and schnapps. In this case Germanic tended to give me headaches and occasionally made me barf when I was younger.
Geidualism will be my preference and I hope it will not get confused with “gaydualism”. Gaydualism is actually an oxymoronic term, since there must be no less than two gay guys in order to have action.
Another source of confusion could arise from misspelling gaydualist as gayduelist. This can really become grotesque.
I don’t even want to imagine the possible choice of weapons.
One may argue, that if the term gaydualism for whatever reason takes roots, the term gaymonoism should get a place in the dictionary too, because logically, number two (duo) can’t exist without number one (mono). The problem here, of course is that the term gaymonoism can be interpreted as sex with yourself. In reality, the ultimate way of expressing same sex orientation without any risk of being labeled, or discriminated or getting an STD is to have sex with yourself. In certain life situations, like in traffic jams, or general frustration, caused for example by the decrease of an IRA value, or poor crop of cucumbers, one person, who is unhappy with another person could tell the other person very politely: “be gaymonoist” instead of very rudely “f … yourself”. Another problem is that, the term for describing gaymonoism activity already exits. It’s called “onanism”.
Onanism, unlike some other “isms” is not an established school of philosophy or political system. Nevertheless Onan, the founder of the movement, was killed for his acts of defiance, which he practiced in solitude, not even trying to convert anyone. Essentially, he was the first ever recorded dissident, the founder of the first “ism” who paid an ultimate price for his dissident acts. Onanism survived almost all isms known to humanity, including feudalism, fascism and socialism and we can hope that one day it will outlive antisemitism.
Despite of the deep and solids roots this movement took in humanity, it would be much better to use more common English term “masturbation”. It is well understood, the act itself is as widely accepted in many cultures and it won’t cause psychological damage of untold millions of boys.
Sergei Shushunov is a Board Certified Pediatrician who specializes in holistic pediatric primary care, nutritional and detoxification therapies for autism, ADHD and related disorders and immune dysregulation such as allergies, asthma and autoimmune disorders. Sergei Shushunov also sees adults with these medical conditions.